I am married and have a wonderful daughter and we are usually very happy family. Sometimes I feel extremely sad that I am time and again hunted by my husband’s past. In the past, he has asked me to be friends with his exes, particularly with the one with whom he had a very long troubled relationship. I moved to this country with nothing (Job or money) then got stranded due to COVID-19 and then continued living since we were to marry that year and got pregnant too. I felt very small and had very low self-esteem since my husband provided everything for me and I had no work permit to work. Soon as a new mom I had a very difficult time, going through major postpartum depression and feeling lonely, I Could not go back home because of the COVID situation. Went through so many ups and downs. Long story short - It’s been a year since finally I was very happy that his past had stopped hunting me till yesterday. One of his exes who is my sister’s friend is coming to this country for 4 days with her husband and wants to meet us. I was okay to call them home for dinner, swallowing all my discomforts thinking it’s been many years and she is married too, it’s time for me to forget about the past. On the contrary, my husband got a little overboard and connected them with his friends who will help them with the northern light tours and luxury villas (for which I am happy) I did the same like assisting her with the names of the hotels (Note- it’s not the first time they are coming here though). But last night while having dinner my husband told me about how excited he was to meet them and professionally cook for them in their luxury villa (He had already advertised his catering business) and perhaps take them running because he said that’s the common ground (they all are runners) to make her husband comfortable in case he is not. I got a little stiffed by an additional story which my husband had already formed without asking me (even knowing that I am sensitive about his past) when I showed my disappointment towards his idea about cooking and running with them, of course, he apologized immediately but keep reminding me that I should not have self low esteem (perhaps he is right but that made me feel so small) then, I got mad regarding the whole thing plus I was feeling low already. He kept asking me what was i afraid of if I had to meet them? I was feeling very uncomfortable to meet them in the first place and now I start to feel pathetic and very kiddish even to show that part of my vulnerability to my husband. He told me whatever happened in the past he liked his ex’s energy (that made me feel like puke, I din’t know how was I supposed to feel at that time) In the end, he asked me not to meet or call them home for dinner if I was not comfortable but if they requested a professional chef and there was no one available then he would have to go and there was no choice. On the one hand, he supports me and feels for my sadness and vulnerability but on the other hand, he doesn’t because he is he who has a very rational head and he is just a human and perhaps I have a very sensitive and fragile head. I also feel sad to make my husband go through this because he is a nice man and I love him dearly but our indifferences are killing me and making me hate him a little today without wanting to. Now I am feeling very sad about the whole situation and thinking I have been nice to everyone around me but why do things like this happen to me especially after being very careful and working a lot on myself all these years? (of course this writing doesn’t justify how bad I am feeling at the moment) thought maybe posting here would help me.
I think the real issue about being in this state of low self esteem, is this idea that it’s something real that we need to find. That focusing on it is to feed the monster, so to speak. Then the real consequences might come, since we actually are creating a less self-assured version of ourself by chasing self-esteem. It’s a paradox.